Is it important to get married?

I keep thinking how to answer this question. In my opinion, married or not married is decision a person should make. It is not a right or wrong decision, just how you want to live you life. Married is not always the right answer for every problem. If you get a good partner and can endure life together then its is a good decision, if not.. You make your life a living hell.

Is it true that if you’re not married then your life is not perfect, especially for a woman? Some people believe that, even most of my families believe that. That’s why they persuade me to get married soon. But is it true? I think my life now is great. I have a good life, a good family, good friends, good education, a good scholarship, a good future, a good personality and so on. But is it not enough? Will married bring me a better life? Or worse? I feel my life is perfect right now. True, that I sometime need affection and feel kind of lonely. But is it means that I should get married? Do married people don’t feel lonely sometime?? And if I haven’t found someone that I really want to spend my life with, should I just choose any man that comes around? Will I be happy if I do that? Should I wait until the right man come or should I just settle with the man that I meet now?

Nice quote ..... got this from an email ..

Life is short
Break the rules
forgive quickly
kiss passionately, love truly
laugh constantly
And never stop smiling
no matter how strange life is
Life is not always the party we expected to be
but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful

A little time so much to do .....

Today, I was just finished my ISM term paper presentation. Not too good but not too bad also. I think its enough to pass the subject. Why now I can settle in “enough”?? before I always search for the best … hmm… its not a good thing. Why? Is it because I already lack of spirit? Lack of courage? Lack of determination? Is it?? Or is it I just tired to achieve something that doesn’t really matter?? Is it a bad thing to just pass the subject with “enough” grade?? Or should I aim for the best??

Should I study all the time and forget go have fun??

Another mistake for today :(

Actually it is not today mistake. But I just realize the mistake today. I just did 7 experiment with wrong data :(. I have to repeat it again. Each experiment takes 2 to 3 hour. So, I have to spend another 21 hour to do the experiment… hiks… hiks….
So stupid that I didn’t realize that the data is wrong :(

My Poor Presentation ….. Oh …..

Today is again a disaster happen. Because yesterday and a few days ago I was too lazy to do anything, I delay making my presentation. I had to do the presentation today, at 9am. So, because of the deadline (yet I still don’t pay much attention off or making a great effort on it), I woke up at 4am and start to construct my presentation (I hadn’t even finished reading the paper). I finished it at 7.20 and rushed to take a bath and went to school.

Luckily, I arrived before 9am. So, I still can do several preparations. And then, at 9am, I did the presentation. The presentation went well, I can not consider it good, I know that I can do much better if I’m not to lazy to make the presentation and rehearsal. I mentioned one fact wrongly. I’m still consider whether I will come clean about the mistake that I made or just pretend not to know that… damn…. Another doom day  because of my laziness. How can I remove my laziness?? How?? How??

Fight with MATLAB

This few days, I have been fighting with MATLAB for my research project. It turn out, that MATLAB not as horrible that I imagine, but worst…. =D ….
Luckily I only have to modify the existing MATLAB code to implement my ideas, so I don’t have to make it from stretch. I am already able to modify it and able to run it. I’m waiting for it to end running and then analyze the data.
I have to make a good progress and submit a paper this march. Time is running out….

In Searching of Soul mate

This post is kind of sentimental thing for me…. I’m in sentimental moment.. I want to cry … I feel sad… I miss something.. But I cant exactly describe that thing….

I had just watched Korean drama movie which title is Soul mate. It is a nice story about love and soul mate. The movie showed that sometime we come across our soul mate every time but we just didn’t realize it. We coincidently at the same place at the same time but just not realize it. Is it really true? Is soul mate and true love really true?

I always believe in true love and soul mate. But sometime I wonder when I will found it. I already 26 now, but I still haven’t found my true love and soul mate. Or have I found it and just give it up? I already gone through several relationships that is not turn out well. The last one is kind of painful, and most of it was my mistakes. I had been loved several times before, kind of deep love, but I blow it away. Do I will find that deep love again or I already lost my chance? Do I really want to find someone to love or do I just miss to be loved or do I just miss the love.. The feeling of being loved?

Right now, I keep wondering, when will I find love again? I never felt that my heart beat move fast… every time I meet a man my heart still beat the same way, not faster of slower. Is it meaning that I have not found my true love or soul mate? Or maybe I just not allowed my self to fall in love? I want to fall in love again.. I want to feel the love again.
I’m looking for someone… someone who is my true love and soul mate. I don’t want to be with some just because I fit his qualifications. It would be devastated. If I have a relationship with someone again, I want it because we loved each other, kind of true and deep love. I don’t want that he love me because I have good qualifications. I want he love me because who I am, not my qualifications. When will I found that man?

In the searching of soul mate, I remember yesterday class. The professor was talking about equilibrium. He said that in every market or game or condition, there is equilibrium. You just have to find it. And finding it will need a long time and also hard. Is it the same with true love and soul mate? There is exists one true love and one soul mate for everyone… we just have to find it. And find it is hard and need a long time. So is it true?? Will someday I finally found my true love and soul mate?

---- Old Memory ...... in February .................


February again. Then, it is almost 5 years ago, when I made my decision. My decision about him. It was kind of ridiculous decision, I made it because of anger and childish and my ego. I try not to regret my decision. But I had regretted it. About 3 years ago, I regret my decision and asked him to be with me again. But sadly he rejected it, because he already found someone else. Now, I don’t think that I regret it. Anything that happen in the past is stay in the past.

When I think about it again, maybe he was never meant to be with me. He was really a controlling man, for me just like a control freak, while I like my freedom. He said I didn’t love him as he loved me. But just because I act different from what he expected, it didn’t mean that I didn’t love him right? Maybe I did love him. as big as he loved me. But I just never let him know or my self know because of my ego. Yeah… I was really egocentric at that time. Maybe I still am. I still don’t know. Still not sure. If I can turn back the time, the result would be the same. But may be less painful. And just because I was the one who break the relationship, it didn’t mean that I was not hurt too.

Well, just forget about it. It just some memory… memory in February. I will keep that in my heart and remember it in a short time in February. Just like a reflection of what I did ….. after that ... well.. just think and reflect for a while and then be me again … the cheerful me .. :D

My new blog entry in 2009.

As usual, in the beginning of a year, I always make a New Year resolution. My last year resolutions is not completely fulfill .
Still have several resolutions that need to work with.

In the beginning of the year, I want to write down 2 things. First are my New Year resolutions…. Yipeee… and the second is my Lasik surgery experience.

My new year resolutions are listed below:

1. More diligent and serious to study my PhD. Want to finish my PhD as soon as possible.
2. Find a new love. The last time I had a relationship with someone was about 5 years ago. So its time for me to fall in love again ;)
3. More caring to my parents and family. They all my greatest support. I will always feel grateful to them.
4. Enjoying life. Even thought I will work hard to finish my PhD, I also want to enjoy the journey .. my journey of life.
5. More generous. I admit sometime I still stingy. Hopefully I can be more generous in this coming year
6. GO AROUND THE WORLD…….. my greatest dream of all………………..

That’s my resolutions. And another thing, I will join fitness (for pilates, yoga, and cardio dance). I really think I need to exercise more.

Now, lets go on to thing number 2.

I just had a Lasik surgery. At first, I would like to do the surgery in JB (Johor Bahru), Malaysia because it’s cheaper. I went to JB to do the pre-Lasik evaluation on 24 Dec 2008. After series of examinations (I had to be examined by 5 different devices and manual check of eyes power, the examination also made my eyes blurry), they said that my cornea thickness is not enough to do intralase Lasik, so they offer me to other procedure named LASEK. LASEK is similar to Lasik but instead of making flap, it use alcohol to cut your cornea a little bit. The LASEK recovery is much much longer then Lasik.

After lot of consideration, I decided to do another pre-Lasik examination in Singapore. Luckily both pre-Lasik examination (in Johor Bahru and Singapore) were free. I do the pre-Lasik examination in 30 Dec 2008. In Singapore, the doctor said he can do intralase Lasik and it is possible to do the surgery at that day too. So, after talking to the marketing staff in order to get a discount, I decided to have the surgery at that day (at 7.30 pm). I also called my friend to come and pick me up after the surgery because after the surgery I would feel blurry and teary.

So, I did the surgery on 30 Dec 2008. The surgery it self only took about 10-15 minutes for every eye. But before that, there were several preparations that need to be done. I changed cloth to hospital cloth, wore head cap and foot cap. Then, I went to operation room. In that room, the Doctor made a flap in my eyes and did the Lasik procedure. I didn’t lost conscious during the surgery. I knew what the doctor do to my eyes, even thought I didn’t feel pain. But when they fire the laser, I smelled that like something burning. Yes, my eyes burning because of the laser. :P

After the surgery, they asked me to take a little rest and cover my eyes with eyes lid and drop antibiotic eye drop every hours during the first day of the surgery. I rested a while, my eyes started to hurt a little. I felt very blurry and teary. I felt like all I want to do is crying. They told me to take the sleeping pill to help me sleep that night and the next morning the teary feeling would go. And I did what they told me to do and turn out its works. The next morning when I woke up, I didn’t feel teary again. But my eyes feel a little bit dry. So I had to drop several freshness eye drops.

I went to the doctor the next morning to do the first examination after the surgery. The doctor said the surgery was going well and my astigmatic is gone and my power is -0.25 (both left and right eyes). But that result would still be fluctuated in the next 2 weeks to 2 months. My next examination will be held on 16 Jan 2009. Until that time, I would have to use the antibiotic eye drops 4 times a day for 10 days and freshness eye drops when ever my eyes dry. And my eyes are a little bit red too. But the doctor said, the red will recover in the next 2 weeks.

So right now, I still use antibiotic and freshness eye drop from time to time. My eyes still red so I need to wear sun glasses. But hopefully in the next 2 weeks, I wont be needing those things ………………………..


………………………………..

Choices in Life

We are forced to make choices everyday.
From the very early morning until the late night.
We have to make choices.
In the morning, we make choices whether to continue sleep or wake up and go to work/study
(I also choose to continue sleep :P… not a good habit)

After we woke up, we have to make choices in what to eat, what do wore, when to take a bath, when to eat, etc…
Life is about making choices.
And some choices will change our life forever.
And because life is reality without eraser, our choices in the past are what make us who we are today. And our choices in present moments will make who we are in the future.

Have you ever regret the choices that you make in the past??
Well sometime I do.
If things are not going well, sometime I regret the choices that I make.
But when I think it over, that choices are what bring me here today.
And I should be grateful to be able to make those choices.

So, let make choices that we won’t regret…
If it is a big decision that will change your life, let’s analyze the choices
And make the decision before the choices is run out…

Could I have the chance to meet you again



What happen with me?
Cry in the middle of the night?
Is it because I am lonely?
Is it because I regret things that I have done?

I have give up several loves that come to me
And now, when I need someone on my side, I just can not find one

Where did the love go?
Is four years not enough to finally fall in love again?
Or will I keep remembering those old days?

Is it okay to let my self fall in love again?
Or will it just end the same way like before?
Will I find someone that as well as I want it?
Or will it just bring the hurt back again?

I can even believe that I write this.
In spite of my smiling face, I still need that love
Love that can make me woke up every morning
Love that can make me rest easily
Love that can make my heart beat twice faster

Where is the love?
Could I ever find it again?
Where are you hiding?
Are you near?
Or are you far?
Are you seeing me right now?
Are you reading my blogs?

Where are you?
Could I have the chance to meet you again?

My ideas of my perfect man

Several days ago, I was asked what kind of man is my perfect man. Well, of course I have a lot of criteria of my perfect man; this is the summary of it.

1. My perfect man should be sincere, honest and love me. That is the first and the most important criteria. I don’t really care about that man education, job, wealth, appearance etc. the most important thing to me is he can show that he loves me with sincere and honest words. :D

2. My perfect man should able to accept my flaws and be there for me when I need him. I know that I’m not perfect.. far than perfect. And my perfect man should able to cope with my flaws and accept it as it is. Don’t try to change me please, because I love my self and I’m not ready to change.

3. I’m able to accept his flaws. My perfect man is not perfect too. He will have flaws and I should be able to accept it. I think I can tolerate people flaws as long as it is not against my idealism. I also think that it is hard to hope other people change. That’s why I should be able to accept his flaws.

That three simple things is the basic criteria of my perfect man. It may not be perfect to others but it is perfect to me, and I know that perfect man is somewhere out there ... :D (just like Fox Mulder always says: the truth is out there ...)

Relief….

It is a relief to know that finally I finished my term 1 and pass the minimum requirement for every subject. I got A- in my decision support and optimization class (which is my depth course and it is required to get A-), and get A- and B for the other subjects. I know that I can do better if I gave more time to study but right now I often distracted and lazy to study. What happening to me?? Is it true that if we grow older we become more lazy and hard to study?

Wow, hopefully not. I will do my best in my second term. I will minimize the distraction and my laziness. Hopefully in the second term I can get a better score.

Worry Feeling

I feel worry today, thanks to my friend. He said that it will be embarrassing if I don’t pass my subject with minimum requirement and get kick out from school. I know that I will feel embarrassed and disappointed if I failed but … what else I can do?? I already try hard for this subject and I don’t know what else to do.

I think the result will be announced tomorrow. Still hope that I could get the minimum requirement. I don’t feel confident because I know that I didn’t do very well. But the result has not come up yet .. so should I be worry? Or should I be worry tomorrow?

End of first Term

Finally, just submitted my last assignment for this term.
Its time to relax and enjoy a little bit of vacation.
But, I don't know what to do next?
Getting ready for the second term?
Or just browsing, chatting, watching and do useless things?
For today, just enjoying browsing, chatting, and watching
and gossiping.

Finally... the end of first term.
What torture will I endure in my next term??

No more exams for this year.

Just finished my last exam.. (for this term) ….. yipieee… no more exam for this term. Finally, I came to the end of term. Just have to refine one more term paper and that’s all. I don’t know what the result are .. but hopefully it is enough for the minimum requirements. I don’t expect to get A, I will settle with the minimum requirements. Why? Because I don’t think I give my best to all the subjects. I still can do better then that but my laziness is keeping me. I should be more diligent for the next term. I should be better ….

Is he sincere or not?

Lately a friend is offering to help me in something but I just keep get the feeling that he is not really sincere to help me. I think he want to help me because he can get something out of it. I don’t know why, I keep feeling it. And he is really started to annoy me. I’m keep thinking what’s in it for him. Why is he willing to help me? I don’t believe he help me because he want it to, just keep getting the feeling that he only used me. I can figure out what the purpose is but am I to suspicious?

I have many friends and often get help from them. A lot. My best friend even loan me money to pay my bond to my previous company and I don’t feel suspicious about it. But with him, I don’t know why I got suspicious. Am I too exaggerating? Or this is my conscious that telling me to be careful?

He often said that he did it to help me and it will help my future. I just want to say, let me worry about my future my self, I don’t need you to worry about it. I don’t think that he understand about me and my future. I can not say no to him because I think it will be impolite to reject such a lovely help. But I just can get rid of the feeling. Why? Am I to suspicious?

Overslept

Lately, I always overslept. Yesterday I slept all day. Just wake up to eat dinner and then slept again. I also overslept on Sunday. I only woke up to go to the cinema to watch “Body of Lies”. Even thought, I had exam the next day, I didn’t have the willingness to wake up. What happening to me??

I need a reason to wake up every day. I need a reason to stop dreaming and start living.. what happen to me??

Are their problems my problems?

I sometime wonder, whether my parents or my brother and sisters problems are my problems too. Sometime their problems are nagging me. I know that we have to fight our own wars. And my wars are definitely different from their wars, but sometime I get carried away with their problems too. Is it wrong? Or am I fuss about other people businesses?

As a family member, I will try the best that I can to help their problems. But what if the problems are too much for me? And I still have to solve my own problems. Should I just not interfere and let them solve their own problems? Just watch and see they solve their own problems, is it the best things to do?

For now, I will consider their problems are their problems. I don’t have to interfere. I will help as much as I can, but that’s it. They have to try to solve it on their own. Problems are what make us learn about life. Right? We have to have problems in our life in order to improve and see the beauty of life. Is it wrong?

In my search of Happiness

What make your life valuable? Is it the dress that you wore, the food that you eat, the house that you life, the parent that you have, the spouse that you can hold, the education that you take, the money in your pocket, the book that you read, or what?

What make your life valuable? I feel prettier when I am wearing a good dress. I feel delight eating delicious food. I feel comfortable living in a cozy house. I feel grateful having good parents that never questions me and order me what to do. I feel thankful having brother and sisters that support me when I’m down. I feel happy having friends that can accompany me. Even thought I don’t have any spouse right now, I know that I will feel cheerful to have person that I can share all my laughs and cries. I feel proud having a good education. I feel secure having money in my pocket. I feel excited reading my books and watching my movies.

So, what make my life valuable?? Is it all those things above? I don’t think so. I think what make my life valuable is when I can do small good things every day. It is so clichéd. I know that. But right now, that is what I feel :D. So, lets make small good things everyday.