Monday, February 23, 2009

Fight with MATLAB

This few days, I have been fighting with MATLAB for my research project. It turn out, that MATLAB not as horrible that I imagine, but worst…. =D ….
Luckily I only have to modify the existing MATLAB code to implement my ideas, so I don’t have to make it from stretch. I am already able to modify it and able to run it. I’m waiting for it to end running and then analyze the data.
I have to make a good progress and submit a paper this march. Time is running out….

Saturday, February 21, 2009

In Searching of Soul mate

This post is kind of sentimental thing for me…. I’m in sentimental moment.. I want to cry … I feel sad… I miss something.. But I cant exactly describe that thing….

I had just watched Korean drama movie which title is Soul mate. It is a nice story about love and soul mate. The movie showed that sometime we come across our soul mate every time but we just didn’t realize it. We coincidently at the same place at the same time but just not realize it. Is it really true? Is soul mate and true love really true?

I always believe in true love and soul mate. But sometime I wonder when I will found it. I already 26 now, but I still haven’t found my true love and soul mate. Or have I found it and just give it up? I already gone through several relationships that is not turn out well. The last one is kind of painful, and most of it was my mistakes. I had been loved several times before, kind of deep love, but I blow it away. Do I will find that deep love again or I already lost my chance? Do I really want to find someone to love or do I just miss to be loved or do I just miss the love.. The feeling of being loved?

Right now, I keep wondering, when will I find love again? I never felt that my heart beat move fast… every time I meet a man my heart still beat the same way, not faster of slower. Is it meaning that I have not found my true love or soul mate? Or maybe I just not allowed my self to fall in love? I want to fall in love again.. I want to feel the love again.
I’m looking for someone… someone who is my true love and soul mate. I don’t want to be with some just because I fit his qualifications. It would be devastated. If I have a relationship with someone again, I want it because we loved each other, kind of true and deep love. I don’t want that he love me because I have good qualifications. I want he love me because who I am, not my qualifications. When will I found that man?

In the searching of soul mate, I remember yesterday class. The professor was talking about equilibrium. He said that in every market or game or condition, there is equilibrium. You just have to find it. And finding it will need a long time and also hard. Is it the same with true love and soul mate? There is exists one true love and one soul mate for everyone… we just have to find it. And find it is hard and need a long time. So is it true?? Will someday I finally found my true love and soul mate?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

---- Old Memory ...... in February .................

February again. Then, it is almost 5 years ago, when I made my decision. My decision about him. It was kind of ridiculous decision, I made it because of anger and childish and my ego. I try not to regret my decision. But I had regretted it. About 3 years ago, I regret my decision and asked him to be with me again. But sadly he rejected it, because he already found someone else. Now, I don’t think that I regret it. Anything that happen in the past is stay in the past.

When I think about it again, maybe he was never meant to be with me. He was really a controlling man, for me just like a control freak, while I like my freedom. He said I didn’t love him as he loved me. But just because I act different from what he expected, it didn’t mean that I didn’t love him right? Maybe I did love him. as big as he loved me. But I just never let him know or my self know because of my ego. Yeah… I was really egocentric at that time. Maybe I still am. I still don’t know. Still not sure. If I can turn back the time, the result would be the same. But may be less painful. And just because I was the one who break the relationship, it didn’t mean that I was not hurt too.

Well, just forget about it. It just some memory… memory in February. I will keep that in my heart and remember it in a short time in February. Just like a reflection of what I did ….. after that ... well.. just think and reflect for a while and then be me again … the cheerful me .. :D